Mama T - covers issues around Domestic Violence

[00:00:00] Speaker A: Ipl radio hey, hey, hey, it's Nicole and Triss here. [00:00:04] Speaker B: Hey, how you going? [00:00:06] Speaker A: So we are good. We are good. We are here with Arlene and David, which we're excited about. But I do know that people call you mama t. Did you want to tell us why? Please. [00:00:17] Speaker C: Okay. Mama t eventuated, basically, when we first moved here in Rockingham. We were running or helping young ones. They were basically interested in why we went to church. So they were mostly high school kids that were close to our friends, our sons. Sorry. And then what happened was we eventually took them to a lot of different places where they could hear stories about how other people's lives were changed. And they sort of, like, we sort of, like, got together and we did these hand patent t shirts with unique with them one night. Cause they were like, oh, you know, mama t. We should, you know, do shirts and stuff like that. But mama t actually originated with a youth in Rockingham. So they named me that because my. Before I got married to David. [00:01:12] Speaker A: Yep. [00:01:12] Speaker C: My maiden name was actually Tate, so they called me mama T. That's why it's on there. [00:01:17] Speaker A: Hey, well, good, we're back now. So we were listening to Mama tea tell a story. So what was happening was they were actually coming to your house. Yeah. The children or teenagers. And then. Did you want to tell us more about that, please? [00:01:36] Speaker C: Yeah. Well, basically, they were very intrigued about our faith and I think hanging out, too, of course, typically with teenagers get to hang out with each other. So I suppose me and David thought, well, this is a safe place, a safe space for them to be. And they were interested in what we did or what we believed. And, yeah, they just wanted to come, and we took them with us. And, yeah, it was a bit of a journey. And then more and more started to come to our homes. So we eventually had to hire a bus just so that we could take them around into the cities and hear other people's testimonies. But, yeah, they're still around us today. [00:02:21] Speaker B: You still stay in touch with them all? [00:02:23] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:02:24] Speaker B: Like, you get to know their parents as well, or were they? [00:02:27] Speaker D: Yeah. Yeah. Because obviously, a lot of the youth, they would come from some probably less fortunate lifestyles, I suppose. [00:02:35] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:02:36] Speaker D: So we, as a husband and wife team, we basically saw the need for these young ones, and they just needed that safe space. And basically, yeah, it just started building bigger and bigger. But the fact is, you could see their hearts, and they were all for change. They were all for, you know, better lives and better things and their families. So the parents were really good at one stage. And, you know, they really saw their kids changing, their hearts changing. But obviously time goes on and things, you know, changed a little bit. But we still love them. They're still around us. Every time we see them in the shopping centers and stuff, it's like, hey, mama tea. [00:03:15] Speaker C: Mama tea, how you going? [00:03:19] Speaker D: But they're all grown now, kids, some of them married. [00:03:23] Speaker A: Wow. [00:03:24] Speaker D: So it's good to see, you know. [00:03:26] Speaker B: Does that kind of fill you with pride, like they're doing so well, you know? [00:03:32] Speaker D: Yeah, it's good because to see them and how much they've grown, you know, they've gone come a long way from where they were and what they lived in, but now they just really are honorable to themselves. They love who they are. A lot of them got trades and everything, too. So that's something that we, as unique, creative, always wanted to do is really help kids grow, learn, get tickets, licenses, you know, tafe, uni, all of that stuff. So that's what we were all about is our main thing was to get a whole youth center sort of thing built around a faith based type. Type. But, yeah, that was to really help encourage the children, the young ones, youth and, yeah, just build their lives up to be able to really succeed in life. [00:04:22] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that really matters. Yeah. Because I didn't have that with my parents, like, working and so. But, yeah, I think that if you see that role model, then you do strive to work and do what you love doing, Orlando, you know, because you could have a different type of approach to that and not do anything, you know? So it's good to be able to have. They had that benchmark for you to show them, you know, and also they also think, can I achieve this? Or, you know, like, they have such self doubt at the start, so then when they're actually seeing it happen, it's like, well, they've gotten it, so I can do it. [00:05:01] Speaker D: That's right. [00:05:01] Speaker A: You know? [00:05:02] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:05:03] Speaker A: It's powerful when that happens. [00:05:05] Speaker C: Yeah. Well, it was at a time, like, I suppose, where we were just still trying to heal and get on our feet as a family because both David and I were like the Brady bunch. I think this generation won't know who the Brady Bunch is, but you can YouTube them. They're two couples that was obviously separated, and they ended up forming their family and bringing their children in together at the time. So it was a bit like the Brady Bunch for us. And then we had these extra young ones that, you know, were just drawn to us. And I remember we used to pull up outside Rockingham High School and the bell will ring after school, and the next minute we have like 30 God kids or mob of kids around us. And it was like, oh, wow. You know, and it's just. Yeah, I suppose. I think a lot of it, too, is they didn't realize how much they, I suppose, helped keep us focused. And I think, yeah, just seeing their excitement and I suppose, you know, it was challenging at times, but I think giving them the opportunity to come on the faith journey with both David and I because there was still a lot of healing, a lot of things that we were still learning about each other at that time because that was quite young into our relationship. So, you know. You know how sometimes you can get withdrawn so much into your own issues? Sometimes. [00:06:42] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. [00:06:43] Speaker B: Getting used to being. Having someone around us can be. [00:06:45] Speaker C: Somebody comes along and their problems are more than yours. It takes your focus off yourself, and it makes you put your eyes on somebody else that they actually have a need to. So it makes you more rather than self, it pulls you out of yourself and you actually get to, you know, see something else and somebody else. That is a need, and that actually helps you. [00:07:07] Speaker D: It's built around a lot of trust, you know, between, whether you're adult or a young youth. It's all about the trust, and then that's when you find that trust between each other. It's a process, but it's actually beautiful at the end because then you really see that you can walk together as one. [00:07:27] Speaker B: Do you want to take us back a little bit to your faith journey? So have you always been Christian or did that? [00:07:37] Speaker C: No, I'm actually. I think it's a blessing for me because I didn't grow around with people's opinions on religion or people who had bad experiences. There wasn't really. I've never heard any of my family members, ever since a child, talking about God or Jesus or anything else like that. So I very much walked through life, I suppose, unaware of it. Yeah. But I do remember when I was a child, used to play down in Rotoru, so I'm from New Zealand, of course, and there's this little Anakin church right on the edge of the lakefront in Rhode river. It's spectacular. And I used to go and run in there and play in the pews, I suppose. And this was probably in between the ages of probably four to six. You know, back in those days, it was quite safe to be able to, you know, it's only just a little bit down the road. So it was in close to that area, our family home. And I used to sit in front of this one particular part. I wasn't too interested about the Jesus on the cross because it looked a bit gory to me and scary. So there was this one part where I had to use. I used to duck underneath the, like a separation gate sort of thing. And I sneak right up close to this big glass pane. And on this glass pane was this full sketched out of the glass figure of a mandev. He had this beautiful long hair. His hands were out. Had holes in them. And he's wearing a long mori cloak. [00:09:17] Speaker B: Oh, cool. [00:09:18] Speaker C: With his feet. But when you look through the glass, it looks like he's walking on water because the lake's behind it. [00:09:27] Speaker B: Oh, wow. [00:09:27] Speaker C: So that was my first sort of, like, introduction to, I suppose, the form or the figure of Jesus. [00:09:36] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:09:37] Speaker C: So I used to sit there and I used to think, who's this white man with a Mary cloak? A tribal cloak. So. But I knew there was something because significant about it, never thought about it until I actually had my own personal encounter with the Lord. So for me, I was in a place of, you know, I've been through life, so I know, you know, I have a very clear understanding of what's right and wrong. My mum and dad are pretty good, you know, parents. You know, I can't really. You know, there's things. I'm not saying they're perfect, but I think because, like, the life choices that I sort of, like, lived in a little fairylands, I think you could say it was. My mum said I wore Arlene, you wear rose colored glasses. [00:10:33] Speaker B: Oh, okay. [00:10:34] Speaker C: And. But she was right, because I was quite naive. Very naive. Most of my life thought that everybody was wonderful and beautiful and life was grand. And then I got a rude awakening that life doesn't necessarily look what it looks like. And, you know, when you come from a place that you're, you know, your heart's just excited. Because I've always been a people person. And you go through the challenges and stuff like that, and you make choices and you pick the wrong people. You know, they don't necessarily look inside. You look inside. It doesn't look like the outside. So I ended up in a relationship, and at the age of 18. I've had relationships before, but I ended up marrying him. We were together for 20 years. So between 18 to 38, I spent with him. And then, you know, over the years, it become like, if you told me something, I would believe you. [00:11:45] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:11:46] Speaker C: So he'd say something to me, I believed him and. But, you know, after a while, you know, lies become. And you dig a deeper hole and then you start. And as you grow and you start having children, you start going, no, there's more to the story. So I think, you know, at the end of the day, he couldn't hide in any more what was in there. And it eventually comes out in the person and whoever's around them, they take it out on. So, yeah, he ended up becoming quite verbally violent as well as physically violent. And I think that was hardest for me to understand because when you don't. When you think that the person that loves you, you think you actually counteract it and you look at yourself and you think, okay, there's something wrong with me. I've done something wrong. What can I do to change? You know, how can I be a better person? So, yeah, so I ended up in being in that for quite a few years, but it actually just got worse for me because, you know, I've always been able to bounce back. I'm one of those people that's like, happy go lucky, bounce back and you're fine again, you know. But, yeah, one day I woke up and I wasn't fine. And it's just unfortunate, you know, that I had my four children. I have two daughters, amazing daughters, and I have two sons. And it was hard for them to see what was happening. But I knew that something was dying in me and that was a part that I didn't want to want to die because I was always, you know, the joy was starting to shrivel away. So I had to make this. Something in me was just like, you either gonna lay down and die or you gotta get up. [00:13:37] Speaker B: Could they see that deterioration in you? Could they. Did you talk to them about how you were feeling? Or was it. You couldn't hide it from them? [00:13:43] Speaker C: They know they could see the deterioration. They could hear it, you know, and some things that you. You know, when you're in that, in a place of, how would you say? Especially in a relationship, it becomes like a closed room because it's about that person, it's about your relationship, especially with the children and stuff like that. So they got to see things, I suppose, and experience things. Because he wasn't only just verbally abusive to me, he was very verbally, emotionally, mentally abusive to the children. So that made it difficult for me to watch. And I would always stand up or step in or, you know, when I could see what was going on and, yeah, basically, then I'll cop the brunt of it, so sort of thing. But, you know, a pretty sassy chick myself. You know, I'm not, you know, there's times where I would fight back, but then it got to me because it was like, if I have to be like that, then I need to make a decision because that's not who I am. [00:14:56] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:14:57] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:14:57] Speaker B: And it was changing who you were. [00:14:59] Speaker C: It was changing, yeah. [00:15:01] Speaker B: And I guess when you look at yourself and, like, you don't recognize yourself. Yeah, that must have been hard. [00:15:07] Speaker C: It was hard. You know, that's why, you know, I. I can understand and, you know, why people end up in the addiction. Like, for me, there's more cigarettes and stuff like that. But addiction is addiction. It doesn't matter what level it is because, you know, like, at the time, cigarettes became my best friend, it helped me. Well, I had a mindset. It just helped me keep me calm. But, you know, having no family around me and no real people person to say, look, you know, here, let me take the kids. You know, let's just have a break. So, yeah, it was a really difficult time for me and emotionally. Yeah. So. And for my children who are still coming out of that, the hurt, the damage of it now, even as they've gotten older. So the anxiety and depression and watching my children go through that has been tough. Yeah. [00:16:03] Speaker A: I think the hard bit as well is that when you know how your children should be treated and then you want to step in, but you can't because you know there's repercussions and it might make it worse. So then part of your heart, something happens in your heart where you're like, I want to protect you, but I can't because in a way I'm protecting you by not reacting. That happens. But it just, as a mum, it is hard because you're doing the best you can and God's, like, leading us to know what to do. So sometimes when you chose not to do something, you are also still protecting them. But I, you know. [00:16:41] Speaker C: Yeah, I think when you're dealing with. When you're dealing with people, I suppose that already have had or already have hidden trauma or anger or whatever it may be, they sort of like, unknowingly drag other people into their realm or into their world. And if you're unknowing to it, if you don't understand it, you sort of like, don't realize that you are getting dragged into it until you wake up and go, yeah. [00:17:13] Speaker B: And it's quite a gradual process. Feel that you're going downhill like that. [00:17:19] Speaker A: Yeah. Until something happens, you're like, hang on, wait, why am I acting like this? You know? [00:17:25] Speaker C: Yeah, it didn't bring the best out of me. And, you know, I am a believer now even more about, you know, people need to bring the best out on you. [00:17:38] Speaker A: Yes. [00:17:38] Speaker C: They're your people, you know, and I've, you know, I've learned to have enough respect and love for myself now to understand my value and my importance about having good people and people who value you and value, you know, my husband David, now here. So we've learned that. I've learned that through experience. So there's a lot of, when you're going through it, it's not good. But I think when you sort of like, come from, come through it and you come out the other end of that experience, it does make you, it brings a quality out in you, I suppose, that you probably would not have got it if everything was a bit of roses. [00:18:24] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:18:25] Speaker B: I guess that's when God can, like, it's a period of growth, although we, you know, we don't like it, but it's in those times when we fall, you know, on our face and say, God, like, I can't do this anymore. You need to come in and do your work. That's when miracles happen. [00:18:44] Speaker C: Yeah. That's what happened. Yeah. [00:18:46] Speaker B: Were you a Christian when you were with him or. [00:18:49] Speaker C: We. That's a great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, um, the last eight years of my previous marriage, um, in the, uh, the Lord came face, basically. I didn't say oh, Lord come or oh, God, you know, because like I said, you know, I didn't really, you know, I see my, I see my father's life being changed and transformed when he met Jesus. But for me it was like, you know, one day my dad was really deep in depression and he wasn't himself. And I remember saying to my mum, you know, there's something wrong with dad. And she was like, oh, no, no, he's fine. And then I went away for a year, came back, and all of a sudden he's glowing like a light bulb. He's looking fancy ass, you know, he's looking really smart. And he was just talking about God in and this Jesus and this God and this Jesus. And I was like, does something walk down and kidnap and put themselves? Yeah. So. And I was like, twenties, in my early twenties then, so, you know, it was, it was a bit of a culture shock to me because I was just like, hey, how did that happen? But. And I remember saying to him, it was quite funny, I remember saying, you know, dad, I know you love this God and this Jesus and everything else like that, but I don't understand what you're talking about. So can I have my dad? You know, there are parts of my dad that I do love. Yeah, you're talking weed, and it's freaking me out. So, yeah, now I talk weird and I freak people out. [00:20:35] Speaker B: He's kind of caught his weirdness. [00:20:36] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Yeah. So, yeah. So what happened in that time? Like, I probably hit the lowest I could have, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever it may be. And, yeah, I went to bed one night and I cried myself to sleep. And in my heart, I was saying, you know, I need something to help me. So I need help. Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna cry. And I went to sleep. And what happened was I ended up having this dream. And what it was, I was in this dark, black place, and I knew it was. And I could feel the same way as what I did when I was asleep. You know, I was asleep, but I was dreaming, and I was standing in this dark place. And as I was standing there, I could all of a sudden start feeling something was around me, but I couldn't see it. And then as I was just standing there, feeling the way I was, just as sad as what I was when I was awake, knowing and feeling this presence starting to come around me, I was just sort of, like, waiting, I suppose. And whether it be good or bad, I didn't know. So the presence started coming closer and closer. It hit my feet first. So what happened was it was like this tingling sensation, feeling it slowly coming up my feet, all up to my ankles, to my knees, everything. But as it did that, the darkness started to get brighter. So the light was starting to come more and more, stronger. As I was feeling this sensation of. This presence that was so strong, before I knew it, it was up to basically my neck and everything. And when I looked down, I was actually off the ground. [00:22:54] Speaker B: Oh, wow. [00:22:55] Speaker C: And my hands were sort of like, out. Not like a Jesus pose, but close to it. It was like I was just. My head was back, and I was just letting that presence lift me up. But your natural mind sort of, like, kicks in, and I was just like, hang on, what's going on here? So I looked down, and when I see myself levitated off the ground, by then, the light. The light. It was quite light, like, you know, when the morning and the sun starts coming up. But I knew it must have been God. And when I awoke. I awoke feeling fantastic, like an overwhelming joy. Like everything had been that was so heavy for years, and the battle that was going on with me just dissipated, and I knew something had changed. And I went to take my ex to work. So, yeah, I was still feeling this high. It was like a mass adrenaline rush. So I was taking to work, and I can't help it, because when I get excited, I'm like a kid, you know, it's like, just don't say it yet. And I'm like, no, I got. I got it, I got it. Let me out. Let me have it. Let me say it. So, yeah, so I turned around and I basically said to him, oh, you know, I had a dream last night. He was like, oh, yeah? What was that about? And I was just like, I think God was talking to me. I think God was trying to say something. He's trying to say something to me. Oh, yeah, whatever sort of thing. And I just left it at that. I knew to be quiet after that, so. But it stayed with me for weeks. And it's not something that was natural, having. You know, I've had alcohol and everything else like that, but this was a natural high, and I'll never forget it. It was quite a powerful moment. And then I had a girlfriend come down up from the road, and she just knocked on the door, and I brought you these bags, and she bought these bags of toys and stuff that she got from the op shop. And I was like, yeah, sweet. And I said, where are you off to? She goes, oh, I'm going to church. And I went, really? And she went, yeah, you know, I've lived in the street for at least over a year or two, and. And I was just like, can I come? And she went, what? [00:25:23] Speaker B: Really good evangelism there. [00:25:25] Speaker C: Yes, of course you can. I always have a google at that. Yeah. So, um. Yeah, and I went. And we went to Armadale and this. Because I've always just wanted to be loved. I think most of us as human beings, we want that, but common story. But no, for me, it was just love and acceptance, nothing else, you know? So when we get there, she. There's a woman preacher, and she just happened to be sharing this particular day. And first thing she starts talking about on is love. The love of God. So after about 1015 minutes into her sharing, I'm there, a mess, blubbering and carrying on like a big baby, you know, and I. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop crying. And I believe that was the moment where I basically, you know, basically let it go, let everything go, because I wanted to have that experience of that feeling all the time in my life, you know? So if that's God, it comes from goddess what God's about, and Jesus, you know, and I want it. So, yeah, I gave my heart to the Lord there, and not long after, I was baptized. Cool. [00:26:46] Speaker B: That's awesome. [00:26:47] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:26:48] Speaker B: So you mentioned that, you know, when that happened, you knew something had changed, right? So, yeah, when you have that moment where you keep your life to God, things change. [00:26:59] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:27:00] Speaker B: So what changed? It was there, like, an immediate realization that you were in a bad relationship, or was that more of a gradual. [00:27:11] Speaker C: I think I knew. I think I knew it was bad. But I think when you battle with low self esteem and you lack confidence and sometimes you don't even realize that you will pick from that, you know, place of, how'd you say? Immaturity. I suppose it's something that you don't like. If I. Arlene at 52, I would have slept Arlene at 18. You know what I mean by even at 25. Woman yeah. And I think that's why it's really important, you know, even if our children don't want to hear it, even if our daughters don't want to hear it, to speak to them and say to them, look, you know, your confidence should be in yourself first before a man. You know, that's a great importance. So there's certain things that I started seeing that I lacked in myself and that I wasn't brought up with because, you know, my parents, they do the best that they can. I think what. What I love a lot about God is that God knows everything. So he fills in the path pieces that only he can fill in all the answers, all the questions, and he answers the questions, you know, over a period of time. But, yeah, I think if I was more confident in myself, I don't. I thought, I know I would have got out of that relationship a lot earlier if I had the maturity to understand my own value. Yeah. My own worth. [00:28:51] Speaker B: So what would you say to someone who is in that situation at the moment? [00:28:57] Speaker C: I think, you know, God values us, whether it's a male or a female, because I do know of men that have been in abusive, violent relationships. To me, I think that's bizarre, but it is true. I've met them. And for me, as a woman, I think the only thing that I do not regret in this relationship that I had is my four beautiful children. You know, they didn't ask to be a part of it. You know, they didn't ask to, you know what I mean, be involved in the mess that they were at the time. But for me, it's like I would say to men and women, don't allow what you lack. Keep you in a place that's only going to devalue you more or cause more damage to your heart, to your mind, and to your soul because it's not worth it. Get. Surround yourself with people that understand or have been through it before. Take advice. You know, even if your heart doesn't want to agree with what people were saying, don't stay in it because there's always somebody else out there that will love you. Because most of the time you get caught up in the emotion and that little fall, that four walls that I was talking about, it's like being in the room and it's all just about that person. Walk out, find the door, and take what's left of your sanity and try again. You know, do it again, but realize what you allowed and accepted that was not right and strengthen those areas. [00:31:10] Speaker B: That's an incredibly brave thing to do to walk out of a relationship, though, isn't it? [00:31:14] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:31:15] Speaker B: It takes a lot of guts because, I mean, you know, we often think that particularly, I guess, for christians, because we think, oh, you know, one marriage. Right. So we don't want to leave a relationship because we think, you know, God's put it together, you know, we should stay. But realizing when it is harmful. [00:31:35] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:31:35] Speaker B: And making that step away takes a lot of courage. [00:31:39] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Yeah. Just like, just to add a bit onto that, I think me staying as long as I did because when I actually gave my heart to the Lord, that's where it got worse, you know? And that's where I totally understood the spiritual battle before it was just the flesh battle, one human to another human. But the day I gave my heart to the Lord or the day I got baptized, it wasn't just human to human. It became spiritual darkness and light. [00:32:19] Speaker B: But he didn't approve of you becoming christian or. [00:32:23] Speaker C: Oh, no, there was stuff that was coming out of him that you just knew it wasn't that person. The manifestation, I suppose, of. Yeah. Got worse. Like, the verbal abuse got worse. And there was a lot of experiences that I experienced that I never ever knew because, you know, the word of God says that Jesus is like removing the veil. People in the world are deceived by the enemy because there's a veil over their eyes, over their mind. No, but when the Lord, when you give your heart to the Lord, he removes it, the veil, so that you can actually see. But what happens is when he removes the veil, then you become the enemy of the enemy. If you get what I'm saying. [00:33:15] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, he's like, okay, now I see you now. Now you are a threat. And it's not that we're saying that if you go to God, it's gonna get worse. It's just that, you know, like, it gets worse. But then. Did you want to talk about how? Because I don't want people to think that if they come to God, then it will get worse, you know, like, in that sense. But the flip side is it gets worse, but then God then plants and puts other things in your spirit to then be stronger. Hey. To deal with what you're dealing with. [00:33:47] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. [00:33:47] Speaker A: And then we pray. [00:33:49] Speaker C: Definitely. Yeah. Well, see, you know, one of the things is that, you know, when the Lord awakens us. [00:33:56] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:33:58] Speaker C: He says. He already says it in the word, basically. You know, we're gonna go through trials and tribulations and the testing, you know, to see if we were legit. [00:34:05] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:06] Speaker C: Or if we're illegitimate, you know? [00:34:08] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:34:09] Speaker C: And, you know, and that's actually us. He's still giving us a choice. [00:34:13] Speaker A: Yes. He's all about choice. He's so. [00:34:16] Speaker C: He's a loving God. He doesn't just go, you know, this is it, and that's this, and da da da da. That's why it's very important to form your own relationship. And that's what I had. I had a beautiful relationship with this Jesus and God, and he spoke to me audibly. And, you know, I didn't just go to church, and I had. From that encounter, I had quite a few encounters with the Lord. And, you know, it was in a place of desperation. I didn't have anybody around me to say, oh, you need to do this. And this is what Jesus is like. Da da da da. My relationship with the Lord was very personal and intimate in a time where there was nobody else to help. He heard my cries. He felt my tears. He came and met me in my home. You know, he came to my home all the time. When I started reading the Bible, which was just when I first opened it up, it was like, oh, my gosh, I don't understand anything that's in it. But, you know, I'm really grateful because he filled me. As I continued to seek him things, I started to understand things more and more because he would speak to me in my language, things that I would understand, and that's what he does. He meets you, each and every human being where they're at. And, you know, I'm very thankful for how we met, if you understand what I'm saying. Where he met me, even though it wasn't in a good place, the testimony that I have of, you know, his love for me in such a broken place when I was brokenhearted. Yeah. Even sometimes I'm just like, yeah, lord, where would I be if it wasn't for you to hear my cries? [00:36:10] Speaker B: And he kind of brought you out of that desperate situation, gave you courage, encourage and the strength. [00:36:18] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah, he does. You know, he takes the weak and he makes them strong. It's not just a word. I've literally seen it. You know, he takes the broken hearted and he heals them. You know, he gives them, you know, he gives him a new heart. [00:36:37] Speaker B: And so I guess one thing is, now that you're in a better place, if you're sharing your testimony with people who are in Dv relationships, yeah. You can speak into their heart because, you know, you've been through that. And we often find that when people have lived experience, you know, it gives them an ability to be able to reach those people who were struggling the same way they were. So. Yeah. [00:37:03] Speaker A: And I wanted just to say if, because leaving is. Can be hard and challenging, and also you have to work on a plan. You don't just have to leave. So if you wanted to leave, then go to beat hash BeatDv, and then you can get some help or message me about it. And because it's about setting up a community to be able to help you achieve the goals that you want to and that you're not alone. And we are a community to help you get through it. And there's different organizations as well that we're plugged into that can actually help you. So definitely reach out to us. [00:37:42] Speaker B: Absolutely. Yeah. We're quite involved with the local mental health organizations, and they said, you know, the last few years, there's been a spike in DV, particularly during COVID because one thing they found was recovered. Everyone was staying home. And that normally, you know, if you're in a relationship and it's abusive, you can escape, you can go to work, you know, you can have time out. [00:38:04] Speaker A: That's right. And children go to school and they won't go to school. [00:38:06] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:38:07] Speaker A: Everything's just stressful. [00:38:09] Speaker B: It's like a caged lionhouse. You know, if you've got a cage lying, they're going to get aggressive because that's not the environment that they were suited to. [00:38:17] Speaker C: And, yeah, you know what I love about just speaking personally, because I've been out of that relationship for 14 years now. Going on 15, I think. Yeah, going on 15. And, you know, I have the privilege, everybody. I have my beautiful husband sitting next to me. You know, there's always a counterfeit before the promise. [00:38:38] Speaker B: Absolutely. [00:38:39] Speaker C: God promised, you know, we didn't say it to me, but I think I'm really lucky. You know, not every woman gets to have, you know, find love again, so. Or allow her heart to be loved again, especially when it's been hurt before. So trust was a big thing in my new relationship, David. So I think, yeah, he, he had to put up with a lot, too, you know, because it's. You can love God. You can love him very much. You know, easy. It's quite an easy thing to do, but when you've actually physically got a, another human being and a man, it's in front of you, it's a little bit different, especially when you've experienced things that you have in the past. So, you know, forgiveness is, has been very important for me to remind myself of, especially when you come from a place where you come from. But what I wanted to say was, the beautiful thing about today is there's so much resources available, there is so much more awareness, there's so much more help than what there was when I was going through. What I was going through. Because when you're a woman and you're going through tv, domestic violence, and it's. You feel isolated in itself, even if I dare to say, could even feel like you're like a leper. [00:40:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:40:24] Speaker C: Some sort of disease. [00:40:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Family and friends don't understand. [00:40:27] Speaker C: People know. People know. And this is what I think, I suppose, really frustrated me, is that people knew and they knew what was going on. They didn't say anything, but nobody had kahunas, I suppose, to step in that place and go, hey, you know, because I love to say that it was wonderful because I've transitioned into having a relationship with the Lord and everything, and that I could find refuge and everything in the church. I'd love to say that I, I found refuge in Jesus. Yeah. But I didn't really find it in the church because whether it be unaware of the ability of how to deal with it, not having the resources or the understanding could have been a main factor. But, yeah, it was hard because I had to figure out with Goddesse how to deal with getting out of the relationship and the situation that I was in. It actually, like you said, it took time, like two years. It took me at least two years towards the end to try and figure out how I was gonna do all. [00:41:44] Speaker A: Of this, and I kind of feel like it's like an octopus, like, with all their arms around you and you're just trying to get each layer off, you know, it's like, how do I get out of this? And you're just, you know, embraced by this, like, octopus, and you've got to, like. But you can get out of it, but you've just got to just do it slowly and get each arm off. [00:42:03] Speaker C: Yeah, no, you're right. I like that. Yeah, no, that's, um. Yeah, that's good. And I think that's where faith. That's where faith kicks and, you know, and, um. Yeah, like I said, it took at least about two years. [00:42:18] Speaker A: Yep. [00:42:19] Speaker C: You've got to really be able to focus on what's truth and what's not. [00:42:23] Speaker A: Yes. [00:42:24] Speaker C: Yep. [00:42:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Because it does start to affect your reality, and you're like, hang on, wait, what? [00:42:29] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:42:30] Speaker A: And then you start questioning your reality or even yourself, and that's uncomfortable and not a nice feeling. [00:42:36] Speaker C: Yeah. So, yeah, it's not a nice feeling for anybody to be in, and especially when it comes to being with somebody that you're supposed to have been with for the rest of your life, you know? And as a young woman, you know, probably other women will be able to relate to this. You know, the person that you have children with, you want that person to be that person for the rest of your life. You know, I'm a little bit old school, but that's exactly what it was for me. So I think dealing with that part first in myself, that little promise that I made to myself and undoing that dream and dissipating, it was devastating because I put so much effort and time and doing the right thing, being home cooked dinners, children. My children were in bed at 07:00, you know? Yeah. You know, people going out and doing their thing and everything, and he would do that. But, you know, you can't have your cake and eat it, too, when you got a family. If you're going to be a man, be a man, take responsibility, be accountable to what you have brought in. It's not all the woman's fault, you know what I mean? Sort of thing. Yeah, that's what my. That's why I didn't realize. I took it upon myself to carry the weight of and the burden of everything. And, you know, no human being should go through that, regardless of what was spoken to me. And it was you. It was you, you know. [00:44:04] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:44:05] Speaker C: You know, and he used to call, you know, me and my children all these wonderful things. But, you know, I'm really thankful to God that I actually got out of that because many women die in ithood. Not so much. Like I'm saying physically, I know there's a lot of them that women that have. But what I mean by there's another. [00:44:24] Speaker B: Death and kind of spiritual, emotional death. Right. [00:44:27] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:44:28] Speaker A: Yeah. Because when we are married and we can think that that's our personality, in a way. [00:44:34] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:44:34] Speaker A: You know, I'm a wife and a mum, you know, and the thing is, is I had to even learn the same thing of realizing I am them, but then what am I without them anyway? You know, I'm always gonna be a mum. But, like, you've got to let. Yeah. That was the learning curve of realizing there's more to me than just that. [00:44:54] Speaker C: Yes, definitely. You know, I'll confirm something with you, like, just zooming forward to where basically, in the past five years, I took on the role of Mama tea. [00:45:10] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:45:10] Speaker C: Yeah, right. I was mum, and then all of a sudden I was Mama tea. And mum has a whole new level of responsibility in itself, you know? But being a spiritual mother, I suppose, yeah, it can be quite. It can be quite spiritually and mentally. You're just always sort of, like, giving out. You're pouring out. And also, too, you know, sometimes, you know. You know how you get a little bit of attitude when mum's around, you know, like, I know what I'm like with my mum and my mum's there. It's like, oh, mum, can you make me this? Can you do this? You know, God gave me a revelation out of it. Like, mama tea burnt out about a year and a half ago, you know, I really hit rock bottom again in myself because I was just, like, spent on just, you know, pouring out. And it does, you know. You know, I was already being a mum, already gone through separation, already gone through a lot of stuff. And then, boom, went straight into ministry, basically. You know, it's just something that God had. You know, people were still just coming. Like, it wasn't like, never. Maybe. I think the only real time that we've had, maybe it's now probably a week alone in the house, but even then, it's very seldom, so time we would get away is on the weekends. But, yeah, Mama tea had a burnout and it wasn't a very good place for me to be because I hadn't been in that for a long time. [00:46:54] Speaker B: So gotta learn to trust again. And. [00:46:58] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. And, you know, I was ready to just, like, pack my bags and go. So, you know. You know, God allows us to have our moments. You know, he's not a. He's not a God that doesn't understand that, you know, we, too, have our limits as human beings, you know, and, you know, even in our tantrums and in our I. [00:47:28] Speaker A: You know, rebellion, throwing. [00:47:30] Speaker C: The dummy out of the cotton, throwing it at the other kid, you know, even sometimes our hurt can seem like rebellion, but, you know, but the Lord sees the heart, and that's the one thing. And he knew. He spoke to me and he said to me. He spoke to me, and it was quite a powerful moment. He just said to me, you're not just mamma t. You're not just mum, you're Arlene. What does Arlene mean? [00:48:05] Speaker A: I thought, that's dear gay. Yeah, I knew you. [00:48:07] Speaker C: Yeah, what does Arlene want? Where is Arlene? [00:48:12] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:48:13] Speaker C: And I was balling my eyes up at the beach and I couldn't stop crying, and I was just like, oh, my gosh, I forgot. Who me. You know, Marlene, the little girl, you know, the one growing up through life before I ended up in the. Where I was and everything. So it was like, I took this mummy cap off and I just let Arlene come out and, yeah, the season of coming back, it was just like, yeah, God loves Ali. Yeah, God loves you, you know, whatever your name is, you know, he knows us by name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what he was reminding me of, you know, you're not just mama tea. You're not just a spiritual mom. You're not just a mother. You're not just a wife. You know, you're not just everything that everybody else needs. You're Eileen. You're my little Eileen, you know, sort of thing. And how it just melted me. And I was just like, oh, my gosh, I got grown up and all stupid and stuff and thought, I know everything, and, you know, you forget. So I made a promise to myself that I even said it to my son. My son was going through depression. So I remember one time, I said, because God gave me a revelation, I said to him, sonny was like, nah, just like, it's too much, mum. And then he would start talking. And I'll go, son. He'll go, yeah. I said, is that big Marcus? Is that adult Marcus? And he'll go, what are you talking about, mum? I said, well, you know what? Little Marcus is going, can I please play now? Can we not be so serious. And I think there's parts of us and, you know, when he cracked up laughing and he said to me, I never thought of it like that way, mum. And I said, no. Sometimes the adult in us needs to take the back seat so the kid can come forward because we get caught up in the seriousness of life and we forget that inside us there's a kid that, you know, is still there that wants to have fun, that wants to, you know, have joy and go and do something and. Yeah. So we make it a priority. But my husband hasn't taken me out for a while. I'm saying it live on radio now. [00:50:43] Speaker B: I love how when you talk you've got a big smile on your face, like, you've obviously been through a lot of stuff and a lot of trauma and we really appreciate you sharing your story, but the fact that you've come through, I think it gives a lot of people hope that they might be stuck as they're watching this video right now, they might be stuck in a DB relationship and they're like, you know, do I leave? Do I stay? Is it me? And all those questions that, you know, you were asking? [00:51:08] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:51:08] Speaker B: And I think it's important to remember, you know, who are you? [00:51:11] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:51:11] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:51:13] Speaker B: Because, you know, I think in relationships sometimes we sacrifice our personality to keep the other partner happy. Happy, but then we can lose ourselves. And I think it's important that if you're in a deeply relationship, if, whether you're male or female, if someone is abusing you physically, verbally, financially, whatever it is. [00:51:33] Speaker C: Yeah. [00:51:34] Speaker B: That we need to be able to speak out and say, look, that's not acceptable. And be able to speak up for your own. [00:51:42] Speaker C: Yeah. And keeping your heart good, you know, that was the biggest thing. And I know it's something that I really want to share with people out there, you know, just because you've been hurt and you've gone through a painful experience, don't allow that painful experience to harden your heart, to deny yourself of love again because, you know, it's just an experience that you went through. It might be bad, but if you think about it, it's made you wiser, it's made you stronger, I think, you know, it's like, you know, mum, go jump off and down on the bed, you're gonna fall off. And the kid keeps jumping down, up and down on the bed. And next, when they fall off and they hurt themselves, you know what I mean? But as a kid, you give up and you get on with it, you get what I'm saying? But as we get older, we hurt ourselves, but we stay down, but a child will just keep on going. Do you get what I'm saying? [00:52:54] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:52:54] Speaker C: So, you know, there's a child in each and every one of us that's just going to, hey, what are you doing? Let's go. Don't stay in bed. I want to go play. You know what I mean? Let's get up. Let's get over it and do what we need to do. Let's get on with life. And, yeah, I think when we look at it from that perspective, I suppose darkness only has its power over us if we allow it to. Each one of us have a light in us that if people may or situations may try and snuff it out, but if we focus on the good in us and know who we are, I'm not saying so much the weaknesses, but to get out of situations mentally, emotionally and spiritually, or whatever it may be, and your soul, because your soul's been wounded, you know what I mean? But speak to yourself, encourage yourself. Do what it is that you need to do to get the help. You can't help that other people, because a lot of it is that we're trying to be saviors to that other. [00:54:07] Speaker B: Person that is trying to rescue them. [00:54:10] Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. And if I change, then they'll get better. I think when we learn to not try and be a savior and part of our relationships and think that, you know, oh, I can't live without them. No, you. You lived all that time without them before. I think it will, you know, don't. Don't allow your mind to get so entrapped that all you see is just that one way, you know? And I did that for a bit. I was stuck in this trap of. Couldn't see anything else but it. But I had to dig deep. I had to dig deep. And, you know, having children, it made me realize, no, I don't want this in their life. I didn't experience it with my mum and dad, so, you know, I don't want my children to experience it. But, yeah, I think I stayed too long because of. I think because of, you know, I didn't want to disappoint God. I wanted to stand on his word. I wanted to believe, you know, and I prayed earnestly. That's where I learned how to pray for hours, you know, tears rolling out of my face, you know? And I still do believe now that this man will come to the Lord one day, even if it's on his deathbed. You know, nobody deserves to go hell, but because it is a real place, and I know that. But we also don't need to be experiencing hell on earth. [00:55:42] Speaker B: No. [00:55:43] Speaker C: We have the ability to control the circumstances is what we allow, you know? And if I knew what I knew now, I think I would have gotten out as quick as possible for my kids sake. Because, you know, as things with a domestic violence relationship with children, I found out over the years, actually, what was done to them when I wasn't around. And that in itself, having to deal with that within yourself as a mother, it's hard. Some mothers will deny it. Some mothers will just go, oh, you don't know what you're talking about. You know, shut up. No, don't do that to them. Because of the choices that I made, I've stood responsible. I faced my children through everything, through their hearts, the heart, the hard times that they've gone through. You know, I've watched my kids, you know, turn to alcohol and drugs to help them in certain ways, you know what I mean? And antidepressants and all that sort of stuff. But they've come through, you know, and we're still here. I'm still here, David's still here. And I think that's, you know, allow them, you know, allow your children. Don't take it personally. You know, they, you know, they're giving you an understanding from what they had to, you know, help them, love them, let them pray, let them throw tantrums, let them, you know, heal and heal with them. You know, I think it will restore the relationship because there's a lot of people, a lot of women. Sorry. [00:57:28] Speaker D: Yeah. [00:57:28] Speaker C: Is this okay? Yeah. A lot of, you know, I feel for the woman like I felt for Arlene. But I've come to realize, too, that those four little human beings will one day become adults. [00:57:46] Speaker B: Yeah. [00:57:46] Speaker C: You know, and I've. Women don't, who have come from Dv don't really. They're so hurt and they're so wounded that their children, probably most of them, don't even want to have anything to do with their mothers when they've been in domestic violence. Or if they do, they really, you know, can be quite toxic, or because all they want to do is be able to release. What's the battle that's going on in them? Why was I born into this? Why did this happen to me? Why didn't my mum get out of it? Why did my dad love me? Why did my dad have to be, you know, there's so much going on in them. And, you know, I think us as mums or even dads that have been in violent relationships, you know, especially us older generation, we need to talk to them about it. We need to help them. We need to not feel ashamed because that's where I. Their healing will come from, us opening up and giving them the answers. And my kids ask me questions, why did this and why did that? And I thank the Lord that I had the courage enough and ability enough to see past my own hurt and everything to talk to them about it. Sometimes this hasn't ended well, but, oh, well, we'll try again. Take a deep breath. [00:59:11] Speaker B: Keep trying. Right? [00:59:12] Speaker C: Yeah. Don't give up. Don't give up. Don't give up on each other because they walk through it with you and don't give up on yourself. [00:59:23] Speaker B: Well, that's a really powerful story. We might just finish up there. Well, finish up. We might just put a song on for a few minutes. Yeah. [00:59:35] Speaker A: Wanted to touch base and just say, because people do decide to stay thinking that they will change. But I've done a lot of research and healing in this, and so what happens is the person that's doing the abuse can actually be planning it. And that's kind of hard to understand that they're actually planning it to try and hurt you, but also to realize that they do it because they can. They want to and they can get away with doing it. And so when they. So sometimes we can think, you know, they've got an anger problem, but it's not actually that I had to learn that it's not an anger problem. They just use anger as a way to solve their problems. But when they realize the way that you can think that they could change is if they actually hold themselves accountable and say, okay, I'm not gonna do it anymore. And then they make the steps to be able to do that. But, yeah, so I think when people are thinking they're gonna change, you've got to think about your safety because it does lead to dangerous situations. So I wanted everyone just to be mindful of that. Yeah. [01:00:43] Speaker B: And I think it's, you know, sometimes perpetrators of tv will want the person to be silent and that's how, you know, they get their power. And I think it's really important that people don't be silent, that they speak out. [01:00:57] Speaker A: I was going to say as well, reach out to strangers as well. I found that even strangers actually helped me more. And, like, you can go to family and friends and they can be really awesome, but then they can also have their own perceived opinion. And sometimes those people look good on the outside, but inside they are doing something different. And so even reaching out to strangers can really help your life as well. [01:01:24] Speaker B: Absolutely. [01:01:26] Speaker C: You know, it's amazing that we're talking about certain things like this, but my husband has a powerful testimony in itself. It actually, when I first heard it, when he first spoke to me about it, when I first heard it, it was quite. I was like a bit shell shocked because when we ended up together, I did not see it in him. So I did not see it at all that he struggled and basically was. [01:02:04] Speaker D: Because I could definitely violent himself. [01:02:06] Speaker C: So you've got powerful testimony sitting. [01:02:09] Speaker A: Oh, yeah. Because I also help people that are violent. Yeah. Be unviolent or whatever you want to say, you know. Yeah. Because people do want to change, right? [01:02:16] Speaker C: That's right. [01:02:17] Speaker A: Yeah. [01:02:17] Speaker D: Yeah. Because I can definitely talk from that. Just being the person of the DV, I was the one who used to do it. So my testimony comes from a strong base of this. But what the Lord can do in one's life can really turn you right around and change you out of something that's so ugly and so evil. So. Yeah. But one day. Yeah, we'll have another go at this. [01:02:42] Speaker C: Well, you're. [01:02:43] Speaker B: You're hanging around anyway, aren't you? Yeah. So I know that you have to head off. Off fairly soon, so we might just go into a song and then we'll come back in a few minutes.